I don't deserve this...

[Tony] Over the course of this last winter and into the spring, I have faced a challenge that has been humbling and healthy, yet frustrating. The concept of grace was something that I haven't really spent much time on in the course of my own development as a follower of Jesus. The concept itself, surface level, was within the reach of my understanding. Okay- so, in the garden, God and man lived in unity with each other, then Adam and Eve messed up and things between God and his people didn't really look the same anymore. In this disconnection, and because we worship a God who IS love, God longed for the reparation of what was broken in the garden. So, in order to restore what was broken, God put on flesh and lived among the people who He loved. Then Jesus was crucified- a perfect and spotless sacrifice for our sins- for the brokenness that took place way back in the garden. Now, because of what Jesus has done, my sins are forgiven, I can have right relationship with the God, and in the eyes of my maker, I am as spotless as the One who died for me. Got it. Its nice. I win because I was forgiven and can now have eternal life. Apparently God wins because He gets to be in love with me. Everybody is happy. End of story, right?
I am learning that there is a difference between understanding a concept and internalizing a gift. I have understood the concept. The gift of the love of God has not fully internalized itself in my heart. I have made a start though. Last night we tried something as a house. We decided to try to venture into the lives of those first Christians. We started by asking ourselves: What would it look like to do church Acts style? We invited people over, shared food, had a time of teaching, lots of time of fellowship, some worship, and just a little (ha!) help from the Holy Spirit. The night was amazing. I was filled. Others were filled. Barriers were broken. Boxes were stepped out of. I didn't want it to end.
Towards the end of the night, a friend said to me: "Tony, you get to live here" with an expression of joy on her face. Grace sank in at that moment. The night kind of went by in a blur, after cooking and connecting with friends, worship, prayer, communion, and the constant and beautiful chaos of children playing everywhere. I didn't get a chance to really watch and reflect until then. I get to live here. I got to experience, first hand, the movement of the Holy Spirit in the place I live (I can't bring myself to call it 'my home' because none of this would happen if this place did not belong to God). I thought to myself, I do not deserve this. There is nothing that I have done or could have done to warrant this. The joy that comes in standing in the presence of the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of the same God who created the universe, is not deserved by anyone on earth. Yet, I have known that joy. I have felt that love. Grace is so much bigger than myself. I am not deep enough to hold in what has been poured onto me. I see how badly I need that grace when I realize that I cannot give God what He deserves, yet He continues to pour out.

Ekklesiah is nothing without God. Pray that we remain steadfast in our pursuit of His will and that songs of praise of His name never cease to fill our home and our hearts.