Reconnecting (Its been way too long...)

[Tony] First off, I must apologize for my lack of writing as of late. If anything, I hope that it can be a testament to how filled and challenging life has been. When I say “challenging”, I mean it in a beautiful, revealing, life-giving, and empowering sort of way.
Lately, most of my attention has been devoted almost exclusively to three things: school, Ekklesiah, and work. I have been learning to see these three major elements of my life as “fuels” which allow for each to grow in and around me over time. For example: I must work so that I can continue to live here at Ekklesiah. So, in a way, work is fuel. Like fuel for my vehicle, I must make sure that there is enough fuel in my tank (or in my bank) in order to go where I want to go and do what I want to do. Ekklesiah keeps me working and I work so that I can continue to be part of this amazing, developing, and transformative community. It is here that I have found depths of joy, meaning, and fulfillment in ways that are deeper that any I have ever known. So, I keep chuggin through my 40 hour work weeks to “fuel” my tank.
Like my job fuels my life at Ekklesiah, Ekklesiah in itself is fuel and motivation to dedicate all of myself to my classes right now. This “fuel” actually goes two ways. First, because my heart is so invested and called to life and ministry at Ekklesiah, I have chosen to further my education so that I have even more to give of myself here. Ekklesiah fuels my desire and purpose at school. It keeps me focused. It keeps my school work relevant. And it is in this way that my classes also provide fuel for my life at Ekklesiah. I have learned so much, about the history of the church, the phases of development through generations of Christians, the old ideas that have become new ideas over and over again throughout the life of the church (like us!), how Christian ministry shapes itself in the face of extreme violence, poverty, and social issues, how the body can be most influential in these types of places, I have learned about leadership and how the leadership of Christ looks inverted when compared to the leadership of worldly leaders, and I have learned a great deal about hermeneutics, approaches to reading, interpreting, and contextualizing biblical literature. All of these things are little bits of fuel and I am able to come home every day trying to figure out how to use them, to test them, and to make what I have learned in class tangible in my own life, faith, leadership, and community.
I am extremely blessed with the opportunities that I have in my life. I am blessed by the amazing, loving, and intimate relationships I share with my brothers here at Ekklesiah, with my friends and classmates, with my church community (even if it has become spread over multiple congregations), and with my family. That being said, I also have made incredible strides as of late to conquer one of my biggest weaknesses: I have learned to recognize and accept the “defeat” of getting tired, overloaded, and stressed at times. I say it like this because before recently, I was the kind of person who recognized “being tired” as a defeat. Lately, I have been "defeated" a lot lately, working full time, full time grad school, and the passion I have for the ministry of Ekklesiah can be quite the ship to handle at times. I am an accomplisher. I have to be doing something. I have to be either working towards or finishing an objective. At the end of the day, the “success” of my day is determined by what I was or wasn't able to get done. The lessons I have learned: first, I am always going to be like this, and thats okay. Those that are closest to me know that I am driven and ambitious, and that is a strength that God has given me. However, lesson two: life is not about what you do or get done or accomplish, life is about the love that you give and receive, the relationships that you make and maintain, and the path that you walk in faith, all the while accomplishing what is asked of you for the Kingdom alongside those you love. And finally, lesson three: it is okay to be tired, to get drained, to be stressed, to feel small or overwhelmed. It is in these places that we experience some of our most basic and human elements. We find our mortality. We learn that we are finite and that there will always be a beginning and and end, to each day, to each year, and to our lives. We find our vulnerable places, coming face-to-face along the way the things that we aren't capable of, that we can't do (or at least all at once) or that we don't have the energy or time for. In deep ways, these are fearful places to step into. These can be scary places because it is in these places that we recognize the need we have for community, for others who surround us, who support us, and who are there when you are most “successful” and when you find yourself asleep, exhausted, on the couch with shoes still on you feet after a grueling day of work or week of study. We find a place in community where we are comfortable to do incredibly uncomfortable things. We learn to let go of our battles, the ones that we insist on fighting and winning alone, regardless if someone wants to help. We grow to be okay with losing control, depending on another for support that we need. We stand in the face of our own shortcomings, failures, and finite places. If we find ourselves in those places without community, we hide. We run away. We avoid having to recognize their truth. But in community, we can stand there, knowing that we are loved, knowing we are accepted, and knowing that we are never alone, because where my string of energy ends, my community is just beginning. It is when my energy runs out and my brothers at Ekklesiah come to me in my tiredness and ask what I need prayer for. It is when I make a mistake, or say something I don't really mean to a family member and they forgive me because they love me. It is when my church embraces me after 2 months away from worship services (because of work), choosing to be happy to see me instead of judgmental of why they don't see me more. This is community in its most tangible, naked, real, and practical sense. It is guiding me to grow into a deeper and more loving person than I could have ever been on my own.